One small step for man...

I just went out to ice cream. And not just the half scoop of vanilla, in a tidy little cup like we get in the cafeteria. Maggie Moo's, Tulsa's version of Cold Stone...like, real ice cream. And I'm still alive. And you know what? It was pretty damn good.

Ummm...can't think of a good title...

Well, I started off writing a blog last week, but got interrupted by one of those pesky snack times. So, I figured I'd just start over, cause all of that would be old news by now :-). Speaking of pesky snack times, I've got another one coming up in about 10 minutes, so I'll type fast, and stick to the highlights...

• Week before last (has it been that long?) was family week, and my parents and brother came out here. It was great to have them here, not so fun to have to say goodbye after only 5 days though
• I've been able to go out on more passes with friends, and with my family here, which has been fun, and nice to be partly in the "real world". If I can figure out how (and if I can) post pictures on here, I'll put a few up (let's keep it on the DL though...cameras are technically contraband here)
• This last weekend I actually didn't go on any passes, which I was looking forward to just having some time to chill....I feel like I haven't gotten to relax and do nothing in SO long. It actually was more challanging than I thought it would be, being the only one that was here for some of the time. I learned that I might not be ready to have so much alone time, and so little accountablity. And without going into too much detail, I also was able to really feel how crappy it is to feel deceitful and sneaky, and how I NEVER want to be that person, and feel that way again. Not to say that it probably won't ever happen, no one is perfect, but I think I have more motivation to avoid it as much as I can.
• Last week a friend and I made a very important discovery. The outpatient clinic on the other wing has REAL coffee...not the nasty stuff they try to pass off as coffee in the cafeteria. And...they leave their door unlocked...we've made it a break time activity now. Shhh, don't tell :-). Haha...every time we go down there, I get the 007 theme song stuck in my head :-)
• Speaking of songs getting stuck in my head, that has driven me crazy lately. I've always been one of those people who gets songs stuck in my head, but it's gotten worse I think. Is it normal to NEVER not have a random (and they get pretty random!) song stuck in your head? Seriously, I think something's wrong with me...I have to remember to ask the doctor about it next time I see him

Ok, I must go to my snack now, and then our whole group meeting after that, which should be pretty interesting, there was a lot of drama in the group this weekend...as much as I don't like conflict, at least it keeps it interesting :-)

Crazy weather!

Ok, so I thought I had seen thunderstorms. I mean, it rains sometimes in Fresno...we get some thunder...little bit of lightning maybe. Well after last night, I will never think of that as a real storm again. Storms in Oklahoma are CRAZY! It seriously felt like the world was coming to an end, like the sky was falling. I've never seen anything like it. It was raining SO hard, and the thunder was pretty much a constant rumbling, with lots of loud bangs and crashes mixed in. The lightning lit up the whole sky, and then also had the lightning bolts that seemed to split the sky in half. I never thought I was afraid of storms...apparently I'd just never seen any real ones. And I've learned that the night tech who works on weekends LOVES storms...she said she'd love to be a storm chaser. So here I am freaking out, the whole time she's talking about how great this is, how she'd love to go up to the roof and watch, don't I want to go out on the porch and watch (I ended up being dragged out there...said she didn't want me to be afraid of it...I'm not a fan of the whole "exposure therapy" idea). Ok, she was actually very nice and comforting about it...just thought it was a little funny that I was so scared of a storm. People were shocked that this seemed so abnormal to me, that I'd never seen a storm like this before. I keep trying to tell them all that we have nice weather in California...never again will I complain about the weather in Fresno! And apparently out here they have these sirens that go off to warn about tornados and severe weather, so now I am completely paranoid about anything that sounds even remotely like an alarm...I think the nurses got tired of me running out there every time I heard a noise :-). And then, after the big storm last night, we got an even bigger one at like 4:00 this morning...it woke me up...I ended up back up at the nurses station...keeping a close eye on the weather channel for a tornado warning. Needless to say, I did not sleep well. It's supposed to be storming all week :-(. That's about all the exciting news I've got time for right now...I'm being summoned to snack time. Just pray that I don't get blown away by a tornado in the next couple days...

I haven't disappeared...

So, I'm discovering that I've become very flakey about posting, returning messages, e-mails, and probably calls too. This is sad....I'm trying to work on it. I don't have a whole lot of time to catch people up right now, I'm not even really supposed to be on my computer, but I keep saying, oh, I'll do it later, and it never really happens. So I will try to write more tonight, but I'll give a little bit now in case that doesn't happen.

Things are going ok. I don't know if this is new since last time I posted, but I am now on the Partial level, which is the last one. This basically just means that I can go on longer passes, have to take care of my own medication, and can go places by myself (which is actually only a privilege I received today...2 weeks AFTER I got put on Partial. That was frustrating). We are trying to figure out a plan for discharge date, possibly doing half days so I'd be able to stay longer, plans for what I'm going to do afterward. It feels weird to be thinking about it, I feel like I just got here, but it has been over a month. Wow, it really doesn't seem that long.

This past weekend was fun, I was able to go out on my first pass, besides the outings the staff takes us on every Saturday. I went bowling and to Starbucks with a few of the other girls. Bowling was...well....I learned that it is not a talent I have. And also that I have abnormally small fingers...I had to check out a special ball from behind the desk...6 pounds, extra small finger holes...yup, endured some teasing from that :-). And Starbucks was VERY good. Oh. how I have missed my Starbucks!

One thing that is not good right now, is that my TMJ (for those of you who don't know, it's a jaw condition) is really acting up. It's really strange, normally it just hurts if I've done something I wasn't supposed to (like chew lots of gum), and it's never been this bad. It's causing a LOT of pain, especially when chewing, or stuff like that...and chewing is something I actually do on a regular basis now :-/. I think that I'm probably going to go see a specialist about it, and hopefully they'll be able to do something about it.

Ok, that's all for now, the next group starts in....uh oh, 2 mintues ago. I will try to catch up more soon. I love you all and miss you lots, and although I haven't been very good at showing it, I haven't forgotten about anyone! Till later...

Still kickin'....

Hey all....

Well, I haven't really been in the mood to write much....plus, my emotions vary by the minute, so usually by the the I type something down, my thoughts and feelings have changed on it....it's like having PMS 24/7. But I wanted to let everyone know that I'm still kickin' and hanging in there. Just a few updates:

• Yesterday I moved to the other house for the residential and partial patients. I still have programming i the same place and with the same people, but just sleep and spend the evenings somewhere else. It's nice, more laid back, less hospital-like. And the staff is really nice, which I was worried about since I had bonded a lot with some of the staff on the ohr unit.
• I was also moved to the Partial status....which is the lowest level of care. Basically an insurace decision, not really that I'm actually at that point yet
• Speaking of the lovely insurance company...they decided to stop paying yesterday. Laureate is still trying to appeal it, they have a speci person whose job is to fight the insurance companies, but they said that appeal don't usually work. SO frustrating...it's just not right
• I get to got to Target on Saturday!!!! That's where we are going for this weekends outing...I'm excited
• I started on self-select for my lunches. That means that I actually go through the line and get what I need, and portion and what-not, instead of just getting everything given to me on a tray. It was pretty stressful, but I'll get used to it. Of course, I did have to start, of all days, onthe day they served hamburgers.
• I've decided that Miralax is pretty much the greatest thing ever...my tummy feels better :-)
• Silly Putty is a close second
• Ooh, new fact I just learned...I only have to get weighed 3 times a week now (which most importantly means less mornings of standing in the hallway in nothing but a gown, freezing my butt off...oh, but no worries...those hamburgers will grow it right back :-/). And I only have to get my vitals taken once a day. Woohoo!!!
• Still having trouble sleeping...doctor has me on 2 sleep meds...somehow I can still stay awake
• The weather has been much nicer....sunshine, YAY! Today for a couple of our groups, we had them outside, and it was beautiful. How I have missed the sun!

Ok, that's all I can think of right now. Plus, if I don't go get my nighttime meds now, the nurse will not be happy with me. Oh,and I do have a new address: Laureate/CCW,6655 South Yale Ave., Tulsa OK 74136. Ok, so it's actually the same address, just CCW (Canyon Creek West) insead of Wells 2. But mail will still reach me at the other address. And thank you so much to all of you who have written. It really makes my day....I feel very loved. Much love to everyone, and I will try to write more soon.

Another week done

Well, it's the end of another week...finally! It's felt like a long one. I have now been here 2 weeks and a day. It actually doesn't seem like it's been that long, although the individual days go by SO slow. This weekend I actually get to go on the outing, so I'm pretty excited about that. We are going to one of those places where you paint pottery. It should be pretty fun, even just to get out for a bit.

The last few days have been really hard. It's the family week, which they have every month. My family couldn't make it to this one, and it was hard to watch a lot of the other patients have their families with them. Makes me very homesick. It was interesting to have the schedule changed up a bit.

Today I went to get a bone scan to see if my bone density has been damaged. It felt kind of weird to do that...I don't think anyone in the waiting room was under 60 years old. The actual procedure was quick and painless, but it was just a little strange, cause, well, I'm 19 years old, I shouldn't have to be worrying about osteoporosis. The last few weeks have definitely been eye-opening in seeing the damage to my body that I hadn't seen before.

I'm still having on and off trouble sleeping. The doctor raised the dosage of my sleep meds today, so hopefully that'll help. I feel like I'm on so many drugs, but it is helping. I don't think I've ever taken so many vitamins before! And now I get to add this nasty powder mix stuff 3 times a days to, um, get my colon working again.

The weather is still CRAZY. It's been pretty consistantly cold. There have been a lot of storms the last few days, right now there's lots of lightning and thunder. And the weather forcast for tommorrow morning is...more snow. I miss the California sun!

A new week....

You know, me and some of the other girls were talking the other day, about how each day goes by SO slow, but the weeks actually fly by. I hope so, cause it's only Monday, and so far it seems like it'll be FOREVER till the weekend. Some people probably think that places like this are pretty relaxing, like "summer camp" as some have said. But I am probably more busy here than I am at home. We're going from one thing to another from 8am (actually, I usually wake up at like 6:30 to get ready, have vitals taken, take meds, etc.) till about 7pm, with usually only one break (which most of us have deemed "naptime"). I am tired at the end of the day!

I've had a few changes happen, most exciting, I think is....drumroll please....I'M TOTALLY OUT OF THE WHEELCHAIR!!!! I'm very excited if you couldn't tell :-). I didn't get off in time to go to the outing on Saturday, or church on Sunday, but hopefully next week. Today I was also technically moved up to the Residential level of treatment. I say technically because, while they are having to put me on that level because my insurance company is getting antsy, practically, not much has changed. They said that I'm really not in the place where I should be moved along, and they worked it out so that not much is different besides the title. I'll still be living on the same unit, and will wait to move to the more supervised place. Technically I am eligible to go out on passes (alone, or with other patients), but those have to be approved by the treatment team, and I doubt that right now they would be. It does kind of concern me, because I'm afraid that if insurance wants to move me along so quickly, and do the same through the other levels, and push me out before I'm ready. I guess I'll just have to hope and pray that it doesn't happen that way.

While Sunday was pretty hard, it being Easter, and being away, not even able to go to church with the other girls, I did get a visitor. It was kind of an interesting situation. I had never actually met this girl before, I don't really know her. We connected through an online alumni group for Remuda, the last treatment center I was in. She used to live in Tulsa, and doesn't now, but she was in town for the weekend. So she offered to come visit me. It was really nice, good to see someone from "the outside", even if I hadn't previously known her. That was a bright spot in an otherwise pretty difficult weekend.

I've been sleeping better the last few days, the doctor FINALLY perscribed me some sleeping pills. They do have some side effects, but hopefully those will go away eventually. Sleep is good...I enjoy it :-)

To start off the weekend...

So, it's the beginning of the weekend, and weekends are VERY relaxed here. It does get kind of boring, but also really nice, cause by the end of the week, we are all both physically and emotionally exhausted. On Saturdays they take us out, either shopping or to the movies or smething like that. However, I'm still not medically stable enough to be allowed out. I was disappointed that I can't go today, but I'll hope for next week. So pretty much, lots of movies, and naps, and hanging out is planned for today and tommorrow.

For all of last week, I was on "full wheelchair" which meant that basically, I wasn't allowed to walk. Even in the clinic, or back on the unit where I stay, I had to be pushed between rooms and stuff. They had me on that cause my blood pressure and pulse and such were pretty messed up. Now those are a lot better, so I'm only on the partial chair, just transported between buildings. Hopefully next week I'll be able to get off all of those and actually be able to walk, and go on the outings. It kind of came as a shock to me to realize that I've actually done a lot of damage to my body and my health, even if I don't see it a lot of the time. And it's not going to just get better after a few meals. It's frustrating to be doing all that they tell me to, and to still feel bad. But I have treated my body like crap for 5 years, I guess I should be patient with it to adjust to all the changes, even if they are good changes.

I'm starting to bond more with all the girls, and feeling comfortable to speak up a lot more in group therapy and such. I'm getting to know the staff better, and while of course I've butted heads with some of them on certain issues, for the most part I really like them. I've especially bonded with the overnight care tech on my unit. I've had a really hard time sleeping for the last few nights. I'm always afraid to go to bed, because I know that the time between when I lie down, and when I fall asleep is when the monsters in my head really come out. The last few nights, she's done everything she could to make me feel safe, sometimes just sitting with me for hours. She has been such a blessing, and I can tell that she really actually cares, it's not just her job.

I'm starting to get pretty homesick.I really miss everyone back home, and my friends, and my puppy. I'm lucky to be in pretty consistent contact with people, most treatment centers aren't like that. But it's still hard. I wish I were closer, so people could come visit :-(

Yesterday I actually had a doughnut for breakfast! The dietician brought them in for a challange. She said the new people had the option of not participating, but I decided to go for it anyways. And I survived :-)

The weather is so crazy in Oklahoma. So unpredictable, it can start out sunny and hot, and the next hour be 30 degrees cooler. Last week the temperatures were in the 80's....and then yesterday, it SNOWED. Yes, actually snowed. In April. It was crazy. Now it's still pretty cold, the temperature is in the low 20's at night, but it's supposed to be back up in the 80's by next week.

Well, it's time to go down to lunch now (I swear, it's like we eat every other hour here), so I will end here for now. Till later...

So...

So, I was trying to think of an easy way to keep people somewhat updated on my life, especially while I'm away. I thought MySpace blogs would be a good idea...until I discovered that the hospital's wireless network that we hack into blocks MySpace, plus, that's only viewable to members. So, I figured I might as well create a new blog.

For those of you who don't know, I am currently in Tulsa, Oklahoma, in an inpatient treatment center for anorexia. In case anyone has any curiosity about the place I'm in, it is at Lauraete Psychiatric Hospital (yes, I'm in a psych hospital...I just came to the realization the other day that there are about 3 or 4 locked doors between me and outside...but it really isn't what you picture). The website is here, and it has pictures and stuff of the place, for visualization and such ;-). It is actually a really beautiful place, like a bubble of green, and brick buildings, and ponds, plopped right in the middle of a city.

I'm hoping this can be a way to keep people caught up, and in touch a little. As well as a place to process my thoughts, experiences, accomplishments, disappointments, etc. Now I just need to follow through and actually WRITE...never one of my strong points ;-)


Oh, and I must not forget to leave the address, so you all can send lots and lots of mail...mail makes me happy :-).

Brooke Beatty
Wells 2, EDU
6655 South Yale Ave.
Tulsa, OK 74136